Jay Leno sues a guy for stealing his lame-ass jokes. Dave Letterman has Richard Simmons on to talk about his "steamer with a brain," it explodes, and hilarity ensues. That's why: Letterman > Leno. Enjoy!



Via The Hater.

Here's what's on my plate for this weekend (more or less)...

• Cleaning my apartment before mom and Dan arrive today
• Babysitting Morgan and Kyra from 5-8PM tonight
• No clue about during the day tomorrow. Christmas shopping?
• Brian's 30th Birthday Bonanza at Dagwood's, starting at 8 on Saturday
• Lunch w/parents + my grandparents for grandpa's 80th bday on Sunday
• Seeing Stranger Than Fiction with Stef on Sunday night?

Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce! This three-disc set is great. One of -- if not the -- best live album (sets) I own. It's a rock 'n roll exorcism!

My car was a giant block of ice this morning. I was ankle deep in slush while I tried to pry it open so I could get out my scraper. Good Lord, what I wouldn't give for a garage or a carport right now.

You know, all the snow, ice, cold -- everything related to winter -- would be so much easier to deal with if I didn't have to dread cleaning off my car every freakin' time I go outside.

Can everyone in my family, everyone I work with, and all my friends just agree to move out to Arizona (or another warm state like Florida, Nevada, or California) with me? Come on, it'll be fun! We can all go together. Leave this giant mitten behind.

Any takers?

My dad sent me this today. This is pretty much Morgan and Kyra.

• Badly Drawn Boy: The Hour of the Bewilderbeast
• Beck: Sea Change

Here's this week's list of complaints...

1. I Am Amway Ads: They've taken over Jeopardy and must be stopped!
2. Stuffy nose: I'm about to go Michael Jackson and rip it off
3. The "War on Christmas": Who cares what you call the tree?!
4. Natalie Holloway in the news again: NEWSFLASH -- SHE'S DEAD!
5. Bad news from Iraq: Admit it's Vietnam and bring 'em home already.

What's bugging everyone else?

You know you live in Michigan if you can go from spring weather, to fall weather, to winter weather in a span of three days. I won't hold my breath waiting for a summer day.

Hey, at least I have the Florida trip with Stef's family between Christmas and New Year's on the calendar. My skin misses its pigment.

Stef and I went to D.O.C. to pick out my new sexy specs yesterday, and I settled on a pair of Prada frames. They're really cool glasses, but God, I hope that doesn't make me a designer whore now. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

Seriously though, they were my favorite pair of all the ones I tried on, and I really think they'll look good on me for the long haul. Or at least until I lose them. Okay, okay, I'll try to take care of these ones this time. Sheesh.

I do have to say though... THANK GOD FOR VISION INSURANCE! When the lady first showed me the total my jaw just about hit the floor, but then the price went way down after she took everything into account. The whole shot would've cost me close to $600, but after all the discounts and insurance pickups and whatnot, it was more like $200. I've never had to buy glasses on my own before, but I thought that was pretty reasonable.

Stef also picked out a really slick new pair of glasses for herself while we were there, so that was fun. Both of our frames with be ready in about 7-10 days, so we'll get to go pick them up together next week.

I wonder if these sexy specs will make me feel like dancin', just like that cool cat, Dr. Richard Golden.

Okay, this is a very personal thing to share, but here are the top five ten songs with the highest play counts in my iTunes library:

1. All Four Seasons, Sting, 61
2. Backyard, Guster, 55
3. I Was Brought to My Senses, Sting, 55
4. Northern Sky, Nick Drake, 54
5. A Message, Coldplay, 53
6. Amsterdam, Guster, 53
7. Fa Fa, Guster, 52
8. Two at a Time, Guster, 51
9. What You Wish For, Guster, 50
10. Here Comes the Sun, Beatles, 49

First off, you'll notice the big Guster bias here. Well, all I can say is that I've been in a phase for about a year now. Otherwise there would probably be more Paul Simon and Van Morrison on the list (they just missed the cut).

Now, you'll also notice that there aren't any U2 songs on this list, but there is a catch. I have multiple versions (mostly live performances) of my favorite tracks, and those all add up after a while. My all-time favorite song is "Where the Streets Have No Name," and the total number of play counts for that one is... 132. So yeah, the iTunes play counts are totally accurate, but they're still fun to check out from time to time.

What are your favs?

Yes, I still have a stuffy nose. It's been about 11 days of this crap now. Afrin nasal spray is basically the only thing keeping me alive, and that can't be good. It seems like I just did this, but I might have to make another doctor's appointment to get this checked out. Grrrrr. What a pain.

Stef and I are going to go to D.O.C. tonight so I can pick out my first pair of eyeglasses in about seven years. I narrowed it down to four different pair when I was there a week ago, but I just want to get Stefy's $.02 about which ones look best on me. I'm kinda looking forward to having glasses again, especially since I'll only have to wear them when I'm at work... just like Clark Kent! Now, if I only had X-Ray vision, that would be cool!

Sorry for the glut of MSU football links, but I promise it'll all be over soon. Anyway, here are the stories from today's papers:

• Wojo: MSU playbook: Back to basics with Dantonio
• LSJ: Ex-quarterback a fan of new coach
• LSJ: ESPN analyst says Dantonio will bring class
• LSJ: Cincy players on losing coach: 'It stinks, but it’s reality'
• LSJ: Ohio State coach likes MSU's pick
• LSJ: Dantonio’s deal ranks in bottom half of Big Ten
• Drew Sharp: Spartans land right man for tough job
• Freep: Dantonio known as a tough competitor and well-liked, too
• Freep: No fear of commitment: That's new coach Dantonio's vow to MSU
• State News: MSU football's new deal
• State News: Coaching decision good call for MSU

I still think Wojo is a bit of a blowhard (not to mention a major league Michigan freak), but I still think he basically nails it with that first article. Overall this pick seems to be getting a pretty warm reception.

I do feel bad for the Cincy players who are losing their coach right before a bowl game... just like Saban did to us. Considering how Dantonio left Cincinnati (not to mention that he was one of Nick "the carpetbagger" Saban's assistants), it does make me wonder if he'll turn around and screw us down the line in a few years if he does a good job of turning around this program. I hate to be cynical, but let's face it, I'm a Spartan fan... I'm used to getting hosed by football coaches.

On a more positive note...

To me the biggest selling points for Dantonio were his two stints under Jim Tressel, and his two national championships (at OSU and Youngstown State). I don't care if he earned that last ring at OSU, I want our new coach to wear that rock into the home of every kid he goes out to recruit. This guy's been there, and he might (finally?!) be the man who can take MSU to the promised land. I mean, you gotta love this:

"I didn't come here to be dragged into the graveyard. I came here to win, to win championships. I know, I've been around football long enough, how to do that. I feel very, very confident because I know that our players will play. I know that we'll recruit to the level that we have to be successful here as well. ...

"You know, history is the best indicator of the future. It's been done before. There's tremendous love for Michigan State University. I know the state is split right down the middle -- if it really were to be known, it's probably a lot more green, and getting a lot more greener today than it was yesterday."

Damn, right! 1-2-3 (CLAP!) First Down, Bitch!

Okay, here are the specifics (from the State News):

• It's a 5-year contract
• "Performance-based"
• He gets a $200k signing bonus
• $600k/yr base salary
• Up to $500k/yr in incentives
• Incentives are "for on-field performance and academic accomplishments"
• It's a rolling contract, which means it is renewed each year

If I understand this correctly, it sounds like he'll get a little more than half of his salary for just showing up, but has to earn the extra $500k a year. Right off the bat, I'm really pleased with this deal. I think it gives Dantonio extra motivation to prove himself and actually get results on and off the field.

John L. Smith had a plumb contract where he could oversee the demise of the program and still make big bucks. We'll be paying for that mistake for two more years.

With Dantonio's contract, if players keep flunking classes and getting arrested, or if the team still sucks after a year or two, then the coach won't get as much money. On the other hand, if the guy works miracles and we start landing big recruits, winning key games, and make it to important bowl games, then he'll get some extra scratch. Seems like a square deal to me. Even if Dantonio sucks and winds up being another coaching mistake for MSU, at least it won't be as expensive as the last one.

UPDATE: This Detroit News article has a few more interesting nuggets:

• The buyout for this contract is $600k. (Much cheaper than John L.)
• The base contract puts him in the bottom half of Big 10 coaches...
• ...but Simon is ready to give him a raise if he's successful on the field
• He was Tressel's first choice when he was hired at OSU
• Tom Izzo likes him, says he's "dying to be here"
• Dantonio had more Detroit players at Cinn. than MSU did this year

The more I read about this guy, the more I like him. Not trying to kid myself or get my hopes up too high, but I'm pretty pleased with this selection.

This could take forever, so here's a quick rundown of the highlights from my Thanksgiving Break. Enjoy!

• Relatively easy drive to Ohio on Tuesday
• Mom made meatloaf and nobakes for dinner that night... yum
• Did some grocery shopping and lunch with mom on Wednesday
• Julie's family arrived on Wednesday night
• We had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday
• I had to hit the road after we ate; took off at 2:30ish
• Nice drive back to Michigan, but I hit this weird patch of fog on the way
• Made it to dad's by 6:30, just in time for Thanksgiving leftovers
• Stayed over for a while to watch Grey's Anatomy w/Dad & Sherry
• Slept in on Friday, drove to Stef's in the early afternoon
• We went to see For Your Consideration that day; were disappointed by it
• The Southers family came over Friday night to hang out for a while
• Slept in on Saturday morning; Teri had a huge breakfast waiting for us
• We went to see Bobby with Stef's folks that afternoon; it was great
• Stef and I took off for Lansing at around 5PM on Saturday
• We watched all the Friends Thanksgiving episodes I had Tivoed that night
• Slept in again on Sunday, went to dad's in the afternoon
• Came back at 5ish so Stef could do some homework
• We watched some Grey's Anatomy episodes on Sunday night

So yeah, that was basically it. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday, despite all the time I spent in the car, and it was great getting to see so much of my family. I hope everyone else had a nice week.

Here are the links:

• DNews: MSU set to hire Dantonio today
• Freep: MSU to hire Dantonio as coach
• DNews: Did MSU just get it right?

If you only read one of those articles, read the last one first. Here's what I like about this guy: he's been a head coach and had some success, he's a hard-nosed defensive guy, he was an assistant under Saban and Williams (so he's familiar with MSU and Michigan recruiting), he already has a foothold in Ohio and could steal some recruits from OSU, and perhaps most importantly, he crafted the defenses that took MSU to the Citrus Bowl in 2000 and won OSU a National Championship in 2002.

To be honest, I had never heard of Mark Dantonio before Friday, but of the names that had been thrown around for the coaching job, none of their resumes really impressed me. This guy's does. Don't get me wrong, he'll definitely have his work cut out for him in East Lansing, and this could still be a two or three-year turnaround (sigh), but I am cautiously optimistic that we made the right decision this time. Of course, I'll be interested to learn more about what kind of contract we give him, but I'm looking forward to seeing what Dantonio can do for us during the recruiting season... which starts this week.

Time to get to work.